the space between here and there

Tonight is the last night my Grandma will be in her own home. The shadows in her head are just ghosts of her memories. I can see her wanting to remember, trying to understand, and then just somehow...not. Dementia is not my friend. I miss my Gram. When my sisters and I left her house on Thanksgiving after a short visit, I only wanted one thing...and that was for her to say my name. But it didn't happen. It took a lot for me to not cry. I was so glad to take this one last visit on Thanksgiving day with my two sisters, whom I love larger than life. So tomorrow, the red brick rambler will be empty...except for Grandpa's cussing, Gram's bacon frying, Suzie's yipyap, the grand kids feet, the trail 90's engine, the train horns, the coo-coo clock, Dallas on TV, and the sound of lucky charms hitting a glass bowl. Good luck in your new digs Gram...we are sure you will have the time of the rest of your life!

looking backward

Me, Jeannie, Grandma H, Toots

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It is focused on family, giving thanks, and eating. Three of my top favorite things. The highlight of the day was when my mom and dad got out a set of old slides that we had not seen before. There was a magical picture of Jeannie looking right into my mom's eyes just minutes after she was born. We all thought she looked like she was smiling. I am sure I have never seen a baby look that alert and ready to learn in my whole life. There were pics of Toots with her cute face and fly away hair. Of Justin with his PUBS cake, Todd with his lesiure suit, me as a baby, and Darin in a state of happy euphoria that was undeniable. Thanksgiving and every day I am thankful for my siblings, and for the connection we all share. Six kids in eight years means a lot of fighting and a lot of sharing, but in the end after all these years, it also means a lot of understanding.

turkey's do indeed trot

On Sat I ran in the world famous turkey trot. There were a total of 35 people there. Abbie! Where were you??! You could have won your very own large frozen turkey! There was heavy competition for the 30-39 year old ladies. I counted four of us. Nobody showed up for the 20-29 year olds, meaning that their turkey did not go home with a winner. Regardless of this super duper challenge, the race was so much fun. Four miles in the clean, crisp, fall air. Gorgeous blue sky. The kids and Kory both came and watched me cross the finish. Emma hopped out of the truck and ran the last leg with me in her knee high metallic purple heeled boots. Freaking awesome. I took... ahem 3rd. I walked away with a pumpkin pie. Although I did not go home with a turkey, I did run a fairly decent race (for me anyway!) and had a time of 35.30 for 4 miles. Next up....the snowman shuffle. :)

ten layers

photo by Emma Age 6



Everyone has layers. They help to shape us, and define how much we want to share with others. I have ten layers. Complicated. Simple. Layered Me.


Layer 1 - I know your name. You know mine.

Layer 2 - You have added me on facebook. I am nice to you. I have never said LY in a IM to you. You don't know that I hate being called skinny.

Layer 3 - We share inside jokes, we have had at least one deep conversation. You like my style. We get along great, but you don't really know me. We share environments.

Layer 4 - You have heard me brag about my family. You have listened as I share stories that are close to my heart. You may have even been in one of those stories. You know that I love to bake, paint, and have a new hobby...photography. You know that running is my new escape, and that I am training for a half marathon. You know my kids are my inspiration and true love in this life. You have looked me in the eyes and truly listened to me.

Layer 5 - You have seen me cry.

Layer 6 - You know the story of the day I left my Grandpa in the hospital...alone...and the regret I still feel to this day. You know that I still think about this often and wish that I had not been so eager to go eat lunch, and instead stayed with him so that he would have not been scared. You know I cry about this each time I hear the song "Song for a Winters Night" by Sarah McLachlan.

Layer 7 - You know my regrets. You know my flaws. You know the pain I have dealt with. You have seen pictures of me from way before the plastic surgeons got a hold of my face. You know the story of how my prom date changed my life forever, and the day I prayed so loud in my head that someone would see beautiful me. And you know how I felt when it happened.

Layer 8 - You have read my book. You know my deepest fears. You know what my love languages are. You have touched and influenced my life beyond what I could ask for. I listen to your advice and admire who you are and everything you stand for.

Layer 9 - You are in my life each and every day. You support and understand all of my decisions. You build me up on days when I am so low I can't see the sun. You jump higher than I do when good news pours down. You are a true friend.

Layer 10- You have seen the best of me. You have seen the worst of me. You still love me.

a whim and a win

On Saturday morning Kory took Hayden to the ranch, and Emma had a primary practice...so I entered a 5K race to benefit the women's center. It was SO much fun! My good friends Jenny and Marc ran it too - and I was so proud of both of them! Jenny looked like a champ crossing the finish line. I felt really good during the race, and thought I could have run it faster...however...I just wanted to finish under 30 min since I have not been very good at running lately. I finished with a PR of 26.35!!! I was thrilled! Third place in my age group, so I was very happy with that. I was kinda wishing my sister in law Abbie had been there, she would have taken her age group no problem. Sigh. The weather was so perfect, and even though it was a little cold the sun was wonderful.

the best you have, today. always.

Saying yes instead of no. Standing up for someone when they are not there. Loving the flaws in your friends. Waking up happy each and every day. As they say, life is short. Live with no regrets. Unfortunately, for most of us, we have small daily regrets. Today, I slept in. Why? Because. That's why. I love my bed. Loooovvvveee it. So I stayed in bed instead of getting out of to go running. I regretted that decision about 10am when I hit a energy low. Today make a list of excuses you will no longer use. Then chose to never use them again. Be very clear about your goals. Visualize them. Know how you are going to attain them, and then make every day count. The best way to do this is to wake up knowing where you would like your day to take you, and then say yes instead of no. Eliminate your excuses. Find a way. Make it happen. Change your behavior by changing the way you react to a decision.

My next big thing(s):

1- finish the book I am writing
2- do a really great oil painting
3- learn how to spell and use 7 big words

My timeline:
1- Spring 2009
2- Jan/Feb 2009
3 - Nov 2008

My motivation:
1- I want to share my story
2- I honestly think I could be pretty good. It is going to be an ocean...surf board...you know a little Jack J flavor. Sigh...I sooo love him!
3- I work around several people with a huge vocabulary, not to mention my siblings...ya, the campfire vocabulary sessions are intense.

a jumbotron and some sweet moves

Hayden and I had our seven seconds of fame on Wed night. We scored some great tickets to the JAZZ game, and since Hayden is planning on playing for them one day I took him to the game. 6th row baby!!! Hayden dances a unique mix between Elaine from Seinfeld and John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. During each time out he would stand up and do his moves, and of course, I would join him. We were loving every minute of it. Then, we had our jumbo tron moment. Wow. I look up and I see this girl with decent fashion, and this little guy doing a disco dance move...and I was like THAT'S US!!!!! Hayden embraced it. I was a bit more shy. However, I did come home and practice a full 7 second routine for if and when I get my next jumbo tron moment....because ...as I found out...people DO actually watch the tron during the time outs!

la la la la la life is wonderful

Today take a minute today and remember your blessings. We get to vote today. We have our freedom. We live in a land of opportunity.

Things I am thankful for today:

My family

The Rain
That I get to vote
My fun art class!! See pics above...

My fantastic friends

My memories

My testimony

Our home

My great job

Those who I connect with, and those who I have reconnected with

People who read my blog!!

ill take your extra hour and raise you a brighter morning! here's to a great weekend...

hayden carvin away

martha and her sister camille

This weekend started with a fantastic Halloween. Hayden was a Bronco's football player (the boys need to start winning again), and Emma was a witch (a pretty one with purple eyeshadow and mascara which she cried off for a reason that I cannot recall). The kids trick or treated with Kory and then made it home to do do the official count. Kory and I tested all of the best candy for razor blades. I did find an extremely stale kitkat. It was terrible. No child should have to experience that. Emma's cute friend Alvera (87 years old) made her a candy train. It was sa weeeet!!! We love Alvera.

On Sat I threw a shower for my cute friend Martha!! She is such a doll. She had a great turnout, and got a huge stash of gifts. I had a committee help me with the shower, and so I was able to do it without, ahem, too much stress. Of course I always stress about what people think. The good news is, all the comments were positive. YEAH! After the partae ended I turned on the Aggies game that I recorded and TA DA!! They WON!!! Em and I celebrated by ordering pizza, then jamming on our electric guitars. She is honestly pretty good.

Today was just pretty perfect. I loved the extra hour. I can't wait to get up and run tomorrow and not look at the stars!!