I am scared. Scared that this disease that has a hold of my Gram will erase all of my memories of lucky charms and sleepovers. I want to visit her, but I am scared. Scared that she will forget me. Scared that she will not know my name. Scared that she will ask where Grandpa is and I will not be able to hold back my tears that somehow creep in each time I think of him. I wonder sometimes after all of these years of living with a different kind of pain, after surviving cancer, and working so hard for her family that she was challenged with one of the most difficult conditions for both family and self, that of dementia. It was just a few years ago that I stopped by her house on a cold spring morning and sat and had breakfast with her and Grandpa. Toast, always slightly burnt, and eggs, always slightly undercooked. It was just ten years ago that I would call Grandma and ask her to meet me at the Tiffin room for lunch, and she would drive down and we would share a meal together and she and I would talk about all of her struggles and mine too. When the bill would come I would try and snatch it up and she would always say "I am older and I have more money!" It was just twenty years ago that I stopped by their house after a great day of high school and Gram poured me a Pepsi and told me how beautiful I looked. It was twenty five years ago when I laid on her couch one Sunday evening with a headache so strong I could feel my heart in my head and she again and again laid a cold wash rag on my forehead until the pain went away. It was twenty eight years ago that I called her one Friday night and asked her if I could have a sleepover. She would lay out a blanket next to her and Grandpa's bed and I would fall asleep there. In the morning I could here them whispering, and I would pretend to still be asleep. I can see you Gram, in all those memories, and I am scared. Scared that those memories will be replaced by questions, asked over and over again. Of someone who is unsure where they are and who surrounds them. Someday will find you in a sweeter place Gram. A better rain. It will leave behind a rainbow in the sky, and you will be alright again. A better rain.
4 comments:
This post makes me cry! What a sweet grandmother and what sweet memories you have! Getting older brings a lot of hardships with it doesn't it? We have to cherish all the moments we have along the way. I have to remind myself of that sometimes.
I love that first pic of Gram. She looks so beautiful. I had the hardest time when this happened to my Grandma too. She was very confused, always had a blank look on her face, and sometimes really mean. I didn't want to remember her that way because she was one of the most amazing women in my life. Truly one of my greatest examples and heroes, someone I wanted to be just like. So, I didn't visit as much as I should have, and now I regret it. She's been gone 5 years now and I feel such peace that she is whole and happy again. I feel her presence sometimes very keenly, like when I was fixing up that dress - I knew she was proud because I learned to like sewing from her. I think that getting old is scary. Most times we enter and leave this world in the same state - completely dependent on others. But, the question that really scares me the most...is this going to happen to my mom or dad...or yours?
Aim,
I really did like this about Grama. We sure had some wonderful times going to lunch together and having sleepovers at her house. I want to remember those times always.
I LOVE this BLOG entry.....it made me want to cry! I cherish those 5years of living next to Gram and Gramps. Gram would bring over the newspaper after she and Gramp had read it so we didn't have to buy our own. She helped me pick up a half dead pheasant that my dogs had delivered to my doorstep because I was too scared to do it by myself. Gramps kissed me once...that was when I knew I was accepted into the family. I miss the Sunday night gatherings of shrimp salad & the chip variety bowl. She and Gramps were truly wonderful people and I am glad that I had the privilege of being next door. I too am scared and saddened that she doesn't remember these memories, but I truly feel that she holds them deep in her heart and will share them again one day.
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